Life in Mono...

The Past...

The past sucks. I understand and appreciate that we all have to look back sometimes but there are some things that I just want to be swept under the rug. You know... and not think about it. Yes you need to learn from the past. I did that. I moved on. Took what ever lesson that I could and it made me a stronger person. A friend once said " Looking back only makes you walk into posts". Very true.

How can you escape the past? Simple answer, you can't. It will always be there. I was forced to think about the past when I did not want to do it in the first place. All the painful memories. All the memories that I do not want to think about (it's embarrassing to even think about it). But I have to accept the  fact that the past is there. I cannot change it. The past is there and  it creeps up on you every now and then. I don't know why it's even bothering me. Maybe because the past was a huge part of my life when I was growing up.

So here it is then, an open letter to my past.

Dear Past,

Thank you so much for reminding me about the joys and sorrow that we had in your email. I am glad that your trip back to my hometown, where we met and where you got 1/2 of your education, was a success. I am happy that you met up with all my best friends and keeping me updated with their happy lives. I know that they are happy. They are still in contact with me.

Thank you so much for reminding me that I use to pick you up from the Airport with hugs and kisses. Those were the days when I counted down the days and hours before your arrival. Those were the days that I couldn't sleep because I couldn't wait to see you. All those days are gone now. Leave it in the past. You do not need to constantly remind me of that. I remember. How could I not? It's my past too. I was there I lived though it.

Past, you do not need to remind me of where we once went to meet up. I know that place well. Once again I remember. I went thorough it. I remember. I remember the hot steamy day. It's the memory I want to forget the most. Yes of course it was one of our special memory but I have to make room for others now and you have to make room for yours too. You have a wife and 2 kids, they should take up loads of space in your head.

Why? What is the purpose of evoking these memories? You told me that you are never going back. That you are so much in love with your wife and care for your kids. What is it that you want me to acknowledge? That I still care for you? That I still love you? You know the answer to that already. The answer is NO.

Past, I am very happy with the life that I made for myself. I have a partner that loves me no matter what, we have a home, we have a family that cares for us. Yes, we do not have kids yet but that does not mean that we are not happy. That does not mean that our lives are incomplete. We do want kids but we will have it in our terms and when the time comes not what society deems fit.

So please keep all these memories to yourself. I do not need a constant reminder of what a shitty girlfriend I was to you. I know that already. Thanks.

Regards,

Feli 

Lastly, a quote from a great band called Oasis "Don't look back in anger, Don't look back in anger, I heard you say"

2 years on...

Two years on we are still the total opposites of each other, we still like our own personal space and we still argue like there is no tomorrow. Despite all of that we are still each other's best friend, we are still lovers, we can't live without each other and we are still so much in love.

We decided that from this year onwards, M will entertain my idea of taking Family photos on this very day. We have to dress up and all. Photos are taken with my camera and my trusty tripod. Hopefully next year, we will have an extra person in the photo. :*)

Happy anniversary babe. Here is to many many more.

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday to my wonderful partner M. We are having a small dinner with close friends and my neighbours. Just how he likes it.

No photos of him because he does not like to take photos and fuss. :*)

Dig me a hole please...

*Picture courtesy of Ben*

My friend Ben has put up pictures of all my classmates when we were in our final year of High School. See if you can spot me in this one? Gee... I did not change much. Can you believe that this picture was taken 11 years ago? It brings back so many memories. FACT: I dated the two boys in this pic. One lasted a few months and the other I think for about a year. One is a Doctor now and the other I am not quite sure what he is doing at the moment. One broke my heart and I broke the other one's heart. I can be such a bitch sometimes.

I am still in touch with the both of them and is still good friends with them. Some people can not understand how can I be friends with my exes but I say WE CAN IF WE WANT TO. I still want to be their friend not because I still have feelings for them but because they are tied to my past and to tell you the truth, I think when the picture was taken, I was at my happiest. If there is such a thing called the Time Machine and it works, this is the point in time that I want to go back to. Where everything is uncomplicated and we can blame our immaturity when things goes wrong.

I am not having a great week this week. Its not work. Work is fine. Work is great actually. The Big Fish is really easy going these past few weeks. Even got a pay rise from him too. Its life outside work that's bugging me.

I don't know what's wrong with it. I think I need time alone away from everybody else and just not fuss over everyone. I need to find myself and sort some things out. I think the stress of moving and organising everything is catching up with me. This week, I wake up in the morning feeling like I have not slept through the night. I feel tired. Its not that I have been sleeping late. I sleep early every night. In fact for the past few days, I have been sleeping at 830pm. I don't know. Things at home is not going great either. Arguments and disagreement. The other day I had a heated fight with M and Walter got up from his bed and tried to hide in our bedroom with the cats. They, the cats, were already in there when we stared.

I know I do not usually rant about things that is going on at home, but I thought, this is my blog and it is a place where I want document my life and this I think is a turning point in my life. I need a break from life. I need a break from being me. The me who is bitchy, defensive, who says everything that comes to her mind and not care about other people's feeling. The me who does things impulsively and needs to be in control of everything around her Well.... I AM SICK OF BEING ME.

Well I do get bouts like this every few years and its usually time for me to sit and reflect things around me. I need to work on things and be alone. So , anyone got a shovel that I could borrow? I hope to come of this alive. Don't worry too much about me. I just need to be by myself in the corner. :*)

Milestones...

Today marks a milestone for M and I. This is the top of our wedding cake that I saved from last year. Tradition says that you are suppose to eat the top of your wedding cake when you have your first kid but now a days people eat the cake on your first wedding anniversary.

M and I are going to have a private dinner tonight and come home and have cake for desert.

We did this...

It was a rough day for the both of us today. Today being the last day of the 2006/2007 financial year. Today also marks the day we had our final interview with the Immigration Department. I am keeping my fingers cross for it. Anyway, M was pretty stressed out. The whole way to the interview he was telling me how he could not reconcile his accounts and how upset he was. Poor thing. So at the end of the day, we stopped at our local watering hole for a glass of red for him and a "Randy Little Kiwi" for me. Yummy.

Please ignore M. He does not do well when it comes to taking photos. Eyes always close, not smiling and God knows what. We had fun. By the end of the night he was not stressed anymore.

Feelings and Meanings...

I can not believe how fast time flies. I told M yesterday that we have been married for a week already. A WEEK!! Far out man.

People have been asking me if I feel any difference. To tell you the truth, No. M and I have been living together for 2 years before we were married. So nothing has changed. I still feel the same and M still feels the same.

The only thing that is different is, there is no more what is mine and what is yours. Everything is ours now. The TV...OURS. The car... OURS, the cat...OURS. The only thing we do not have is a house to call our own. We are getting there. We are saving for a deposit on a house and if everything goes well (and by that I mean, Mdm Feli here dont spend it on crafty things) and if the prices on the house drops, we will have a Mortgage for the next 30 years. :*)

Picture taken from my seat at the reception.

Anyway, I have added another catagory (  I know I have a long list of them) to record down how it feels to be married and one day look back with a smile.